Monday, June 15, 2009

We Know You Suspect The Truth

Hello. Have you been diligently wearing your tin foil hats, taking your battery out of your phone, and using your umbrella to hide from the satellites only to find yourself ordering a salad at McDonald's when you really wanted a Double Quarter Pound with Cheese and Fries? Have you been pining to stop at Whole Foods when all you want is some potato chips? Are you feeling inadequate in your camouflaged Jeep Cherokee where all your bug out stuff is stored, and thinking of trading it in for a Prius? You've been using Genuine Reynolds Wrap rather than the bargain brand, and yet, you seem to want to save the whales?

It's not your fault, brother. You have just been misled by the constant onslaught of the government propaganda machine that the digital switchover is just about television. They (and we all know who they are) have systematically changed how the mind control rays are transmitted, and mere Reynolds Wrap, clever antenna appendages, and nominal brain pan coverage just isn't going to work anymore. If you want to keep your essences pure, you are going to have to change with the times, unfortunately.

Well, you say, that is all fine and good, but just what in the wide wide world of sports am I supposed to do? Be at ease, my fellow traveler, because we at Digital Brain Protectors have the ultimate, tested most effective, and economical solution designed just for you (and you know who you are).

We now have in stock and ready to ship enhanced tin foil hats in several popular sizes. Made from layered tinfoil and unobtainium, these stylish and long wearing accoutrements will reflect the dangerous mind control rays. These light weight hats are manufactured with the Comfort-Weave® process. This is a proprietary method of weaving the tin foil into a breathable yet shielding near fabric. The weave process also helps the Faraday cage effect, particularly when the hat is grounded properly (grounding cables and prongs sold separately). Unfortunately, for reasons that will become obvious (because we know you know what we mean), we cannot show pictures of these fine mind protectors.

Now for a limited time, we are selling four for the price of three. This is a particularly useful package for families. For the low, low introductory price of $19.95 (€17.10) plus $7.95 (€3.12 plus actual shipping), you, too can have the secure feeling your thoughts are you own. Larger orders may be combined for no additional shipping charges up to four (4) hats. The first one hundred orders (100) will contain a free fact sheet explaining the latest mind control commands - generally good for ninety (90) days.

Please feel free to contact us at 1-800-Tin-Foil. Operators are standing by, ready to answer any product or pricing questions. Call before midnight tonight, as this offer can expire at any time. Please allow three to four weeks for delivery. We reserve the right to refuse sales to any governmental agency or employees therof. Canadian customers are always welcome!

But please call. Before it's too late, and we know you know what we mean.


ptg said...

Tin foil and grounding wires! I've been wearing lead lined hats for years. Am I out in left field?

Jeffro said...

The new digital signals overcome the old technological solutions.

Have you gone for a cup of coffee and ended up with a frappe mocha almond with mint twist at Starbucks? Our customers report this as a common symptom.

Kathy B. said...

Geez, now you tell me about this simple solution! After I went out and invested in HD Televisions and HD Cable.

Jeffro said...

I hope you are keeping your essences pure.