They're Crazy!

For those of you who don't know, Spangles is a Wichita, KS based burger and fast food chain. I think the closest store is in Hutchinson - I've eaten there before and it's ok. I like their sourdough bun burgers.

So, because I'm bored and sitting at home, I guess I notice stuff like this. Check out this ad for some Spangles chicken sandwiches - but what I really want you to look at starts around the 25 second mark:

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I'll be the first to admit that a burger like that catches my eye. However, tackling one of those beasts would require rolling the ol' clock back by quite a few years - I just don't have the room or the appetite for a whole one of them.

Just what is it? 

It would be "The Beast."

It’s a burger named “The Beast,” and it features six 1/3-pound steak burger patties layered with 12 slices of American cheese and topped with mustard, ketchup, onion and pickle.
The burger, a 3,000-calorie monster, is too big for the average mouth to even bite. But that’s not stopping Spangles customers.
On New Year’s Day, said marketing director Stephanie Huckins, 12 people ordered the burger, including a pair of brothers who challenged each other to a burger-eating contest.
The burger, which costs $21.99, was the brainchild of Dale Steven, the chain’s co-owner.
“It’s something fun for people to talk about,” Huckins said. “We don’t expect people to eat it alone by any means.”
The Beast is a limited-time offering but will be around as long as customers keep ordering it, Huckins said.
By the way, if the sixer isn’t enough, you can also get The Beast in a value pack for $24.99.

I suspect we haven't started hearing the outrage from nutrition nuts about this - about how Spangles is irresponsible, people are gonna die, etc. and so on. The usual, in other words.

But honestly - how many of us aren't well aware that there would be a ton of calories and fat in this sucker? Criminy, just look at all the processed cheese food between the slices of meat!

I won't be ordering this bad boy any time real soon or even way down the road. However, I do salute Spangles for having the intestinal fortitude to introduce and market such a beast. I might have to make it a point to give them some business on their other offerings next time I'm in the Air Capital. Let's face it, this thing rawks.

If I Were In This Commercial

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Yeah, yeah, yeah. A fine set of wheels should be kept clean.

Just not with Armor All's crap.

If this a$$shole came to my garage and tried to run off with my pickup because I hadn't kept it clean enough to suit him, he'd be staring down the barrel of a caliber that starts with four and ends with five. Then, I'd tell him to clean it up using the crap that his company sells as car cleaners and protectants. Stuff I have already.

For instance, the disposable interior cleaning sheets. Are you kidding me? All you get done is to clean some of it off, then smear the rest of the dirt around. When it dries, it looks like crap. So, lather, rinse and repeat until it becomes obvious that it will never get clean - those little white sheets are gonna come up dirty each and every time you wipe it across that door panel you've already wiped off about thirty seven times.

You think that crap is hot $hit? And you're willing to steal my wheels to prove your point? Prove it, mother&*%^)#.

And the scantily clad girlfriend?

If she's so willing to drop me for some role playing nitwit, she too can get to cleaning, and when they're done, just go ahead and run off with him. I don't need you, either. Might miss your assumed mad skilz in the bedroom, but as for the rest? Loyalty means nothing to you?

Eff you and the horse you rode in on too.

Insurance Companies. Feh.

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I'm sure y'all will be shocked to find this commercial pisses me off. What in the wide wide world of sports do I need an insurance company for if they're just gonna watch the thieves run off with all my crap? I could give a rat's ass whether or not they replace it as new or whatever - just don't let it happen in the first place. And our lithe Nationwide reverse cat burglar could easily trap these fools.

At least she's easier on the eyes than the insipid green lizard with the fake British accent.

The "star" of the commerical is Jana Kramer. Okay, she's a lot more than just easy on the eyes, she's flippin' hawt! Looks impressive in black tights, I've noticed.

This Is Just Wrong

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But I am warped and think it's funny!

Who Will?

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This is the theme music for an ad promoting adoption of children in Kansas. It's been tugging at the ol' heart strings - enough to finally look up who it was and just what was goin' on here!

At first I thought it might be someone like a Sarah Mclachlan of the abused children set or something, but it turns out to be JJ Heller, a Christian folk singer who says Damien Rice and Patty Griffin were influences to her style, and that All Music describes her sound has being comparable with Jewel, Alison Krauss, Sara Groves and Griffin.

The Kansas adoption commercial only uses the first little vignette in the song, so it was pretty neat to hear there was more. And this line struck me as powerful:

 And now that you'll listen, I'll tell you that I..."

Sheesh, that's it. Listen.

Brotherhood

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I've only seen this commercial three hundred twelve times since the Super Bowl. It's only put a lump in my throat three hundred twelve times.....

Sheesh. Fleetwood Mac with Stevie Nicks' Landslide? A story of loss and redemption? All in just over a minute?

Gah. Now I need a beer.

God Made a Farmer

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Out of all the commercials aired during the Super Bowl (can I say that Commish Goodell, or are ya gonna sue me?), this one presented by Ram Trucks pretty much won the popularity contest in this neck of the woods - had we any trees. Perhaps I should say out on the wide open prairie. Using an old bit by Paul Harvey was just pure genius for tugging at the ol' heart strings.

It sure made us all feel pretty proud of ourselves.

Whatever's Comfortable

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The first time I saw this commercial, my immediate thought was WTH????

I get a charge outta it now, though. This guy has the honey badger 'tude down, man. And those shoes! Does he use them like swim fins?

No matter. He's comfortable, and just doesn't give a sh*t. He's a honey badger.

The Beating a Dead Horse - erm - Corpse Department

Pepsi Announces Michael Jackson Ad Campaign

In a move not quite as dramatic as Coachella’s resurrection of Tupac, PepsiCo Inc. said today that it has collaborated with Michael Jackson’s estate to use the Gloved One’s  image and his music in a series of new ads across the world.

The promotion will vary across the globe but will include Jackson’s silhouette on 1 billion special-edition cans as well as a TV spot, contests and the opportunity for fans to download remixes of some of Jackson’s top hits.

The Michael Jackson campaign also will coincide with the 25th anniversary of the “Bad” album and his 1988 tour, which the company sponsored.

It is part of PepsiCo’s “Live for Now” promotion, which Brad Jakeman, president of Global Enjoyment Brands and chief creative officer of PepsiCo’s Global Beverage Group, said was meant to highlight the company’s relationship with pop culture. 

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Laura Ries, president of Ries and Ries, an Atlanta marketing strategy firm, said that it made sense for PepsiCo to bring back Jackson, especially for the “Bad” anniversary, because fans were eager to revisit good memories of the entertainer.

“We all want to remember the Michael who was the ‘King of Pop,’” she said. “He’s very iconic. … Enough time has passed [since his 2009 death]. They will be excited to remember Michael Jackson and excited about Pepsi.”

Believe me when I tell you I am not excited. Resurrecting the perv druggie as a sales tool smacks of desperate commercialism. "Live for Now????" Are you freaking kidding me? Did I stumble upon an Onion article? I got news for ya all:


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That's right, Michael is DEAD. Dead, dead, dead. To Pepsi I say:

The Moving Finger writes; and, having writ,
  Moves on: nor all thy Piety nor Wit,
Shall lure it back to cancel half a Line,
  Nor all thy Tears wash out a Word of it.

and

Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player,
That struts and frets his hour upon the stage,
And then is heard no more. It is a tale
Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,
Signifying nothing.

I got news for Pepsi. At a point in the not so distant future, The King of Pop will be a wart on the a$$ of culture, while the works of ol' Omar and William will still be studied and appreciated. I just don't see treatises on Billy Jean or Bad, for some reason.

Of course, who knows what the future holds? Perhaps Shakespeare (some old English dude who cain't speak modern English so weze cain unnerstan heem) and Khayyám (just some towel haided Iranian dude no one is innerested in no mo) will be heaped on the dustbin of history and The King Perv will be an object of veneration and adulation. If so, I'm glad I'll be gone or nearly so.

Best Commercial Ever

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This commercial kicked some serious butt. The figurines weren't actually GI Joe, Barbie or Ken, but we all knew who they were supposed to be. Plus having Van Halen (with David Lee Roth, in the most fun iteration of the band) as the background music was genius. Unfortunately Mattel didn't see the humor - they sued to have the commercial removed and won.

I'll bet it was the "Ken" doll that convinced Mattel to sue. He didn't look very happy.

You can find the commercial on YouTube, but whom ever owns the rights to Van Halen's catalog had not approved the use of the music, so it's been turned off.

Mournful

This commercial has been around a while, but every time I see it I get misty eyed. David Duchovny's voice is perfectly suited for the Pedigree commercials because of his mournful tone. He even looks hang dog, but we don't see him. His voice alone is an effective tool for these commercials.

A couple years ago, I went to the Neighboring Big City Pound to adopt a cat. I've already got a dog, and she is very well suited to my lifestyle. I wanted to take home - well, most of the cats anyways. I restricted myself to one. I just don't have the room. The staff invited me to look at the dogs they had up for adoption.

I couldn't do it.