Saturday, December 31, 2011

Shhhhhh. Don't Tell Anyone!

On this, a New Year's Eve, after some ruminations about my lack of funds for living life in the manner to which I'd certainly love to become accustomed, I have decided to start a business venture. I'm telling y'all this now so perhaps I could include all my pals in the ensuing gravy train. Yes, our ship will come in, I'm sure. So far, my plan requires us to sacrifice some of our moral character, though. Your mileage may vary.

Well, Jeffro, what in the wild wild world of sports are you talkin' bout, dude?

It seems to me the quickest way to unlimited riches is to have government funding! Any old pie in the sky project works as long as you can convince someone in charge that the good you are doing is absolutely necessary to the survival of the world as we know it, or just the Democrat party (applies to the Stupid Party when they're in charge). Sex lives of minnows? We gotta know. However, that area of study doesn't seem to hold much monetary promise - just a few execs, several hundred grand on facilities, and some bucks for a janitor. That kind of thinking is far too small - we need something much larger and more suited to an administration looking hard for any sort of technological advances in green, renewable energy. The Big O is tossing money around like it's free (wait, it isn't? Who knew?) at renewable energy companies chasing highly suspect technology. After all, if you throw cubic dollars at it, surely someone, yeah, someone, will be able to break the code and give us some energy for nothing, Meanwhile, Teh Won is doing his part by demonizing contemporary energy sources and making them so expensive that the alternatives become more economically feasible and competitive, even if they fall short (rare earth production ecological damages in China, for instance, or having your brand spankin' new windmills calm on a hot day and no one has any power, much less A/C).

So the political climate is ripe for exploitation by like minded individuals. Like us. If we can get past a few moral obstacles.

Before we get into that, we have to decide what sort of company and the kind of technology we'll pursue. I think it would be totally appropriate (since this is basically a scam) to work on improving wind powered personal transportation devices (what we'll call 'em in public - but they'll just be cars with windmills on 'em). The liberal mindset seems to believe that feeding the hungry maw of innovation requires lots and lots of government bucks chasing every avenue, no matter the likelihood of success, so what would be better than a basically impossible tech exercise - a Perpetual Motion Machine in the form of a windmill powered car? We could spend billions attempting to make the perfect frictionless driveline, the perfect no loss power conversion from the windmill to the wheels, the perfect coefficient of drag body - the avenues for improvement of the technology is endless. Plus, initially (so we'd say, because the damn thing won't run without it), we'd have to have an alternative energy source to help propel the thing prototype. We're gonna have to carry some sort of battery, so we're screwing Gaea over right there already, but I think we can do better. We can take a page from the hybrid car model and use an internal combustion engine for the times when the wind isn't blowing and the battery is dead, or even if the wind is blowing the wrong way.

But we won't use evil petroleum derived energy for our internal combustion engine. No sir, we're gonna have to increase the satirical level of this scam business, so I recommend we consider distilled crushed baby seal heads. Now I have to admit, this is one of the moral dilemmas I've got with this scheme plan. Not sure I wanna kill baby seals, but I guarantee ya, the liberal press would never notice what we were using for alternative green power, just as long as it's alternative and green. We, of course, would have some sort of bullshit tech explanation for using that kind of fuel, how clean it was for the environment, plus how we'd cut that shit right out when we got the rest of the tech hurdles hurdled. It would be worth it, because one of our stated goals would be for the Personal Transportation Devices would be not only energy independence, but production as well. That's right, they'd crank out the kilowatts just sitting there, getting far more energy out than what could possibly be put in by a windmill. Once we had all that perfected, see, we wouldn't need the super clean IC crushed seal skull motors. So it would be totally worth it, dude. See what I did there?

So, this proposal would be an In Your Face, You Stoopid Idjuts scam, er - business proposal.

But wait, Jeffro, you say. You said there were a couple of moral problems, right? We're just seeing the seal pup head thing - where's the beef, Dude?

Well, unfortunately, the success of these scams business proposals utterly depends on political donations to the Democrat Party and it's members, most notably our President. Just ask Jeffrey Immelt. He's donated literal hours of printing press runs to Der Bingle and his pals, and GE is now one of the biggest recipients of government "green" largess. So part of our deal with the devil is going to include giving up some of the sweet .gov money to the current crooks in power.

So, there's that to deal with.

But, like they say in the late nite commercials - Act Now! This offer is due to expire without notice! Mail before midnight tonite!

The elections are coming soon. This scheme would work under Republican control, but we wouldn't have the extra added bonus of being completely shielded by the easily deluded press or the accolades of the green movement. Once the Stupid Party is involved, we'd have their taint and the greenies would automatically hate us, and might want to look at what's been swept under the carpeting, as it were. The press, always on the lookout for an Elephantine scandal, would be all over us in short order.

No, the time to strike is now, if we have the stomach for it. As always, suggestions are welcome and encouraged!


Anonymous said...

I like the general direction and the timeframe (for the same reasons), but I think the approach is too direct.
Maybe we need to kill two birds, (pun intended) with one decisive stone throw, i.e.: get government money for bulletproof purpose while using the project for destroying gov-mt from within.
F.i., this I find a rich idea with huge potential: a drone that is used to spy on people so the gov-mt might collect more property taxes! First, the sell must be a cakewalk: say "more taxes for greater good!" to any Dem bureaucrat and he's all yours. Second, we can use all the "improving technology" avenues you mentioned, complete with development of weightless battery (or solar...or wind...or passing-birds-guano-collection-based...) and remote-controlled in-air battery exchange.

Most importantly, we can use it to spy after gov-t on gov-t own buck!
And we can employe a network of inspectors and data collectors and programmers and engineers and cartographers and...

I can think of more pluses later (have to put the veal with berries into oven now) - should I?

Jeffro said...

Well, yeah! We're looking at a corporation (I'm sure), no reason why it cannot be diverse! Think synergy!

Our company is committed to the advancement of humanity by freeing us all from the chains of the past, looking forward with the aid of technology towards a better life for all. We will explore every avenue for a healthy relationship with our environment while working hand in hand with government.

Oughta help keep 'em happy.

Jinglebob said...

Right behind you big guy. Bring me some of them squishy wishy little seals!

James said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
James said...

I can see the moral problem, yes killing seals is something you can get used to when you develop a strong stomach and blood splattered everywhere can become the norm.
I can clean toilets also, I am keen yes.
Remember i am a foreigner so there don't have a conscience, this could help in your new enterprise.
(hope you don't mind about working with no official papers)

Jeffro said...

Oh, welcome to the club, james! I think we can always use a different POV. Papers? Papers? We don't need no steeeeeenking papers!