The Essences Must Be Kept Pure

Y'all might remember posting about how some guns of mine were stolen. I have not heard anything positive from my local constabulary, and until Monday, I had nada.

I pick up my mail about once every two or three weeks, whether it needs it or not. As I was sorting through all the junk mail, circulars and whatnot, an envelope from the Sheriff's office kinda grabbed my attention. So, I opened it up and was greeted by a letter ALL IN CAPS.

THE INFORMATION ON THIS SHEET MUST BE FILLED OUT AND RETURNED WITHIN FIFTEEN DAYS OF RECEIPT. IF YOU DO NOT DO SO, THE SERIAL NUMBER OF THIS GUN WILL BE REMOVED FROM THE NCIC DATABASE.

Say what?

HAVE YOU REGAINED POSSESSION OF YOUR FIREARM SINCE FILING YOUR REPORT CHECK YES OR NO.

Why yes, my firearm magically appeared as if transported by Scotty himself just the other day - all shiny and clean. I was so happy. AS IF, dumb asses.

DID YOU FILE A CLAIM WITH AN INSURANCE COMPANY, AND IF SO, HAS IT BEEN PAID.

Why yes, they paid me off like a slot machine. So, you can consider this gun "not quite as stolen as before" so you really don't have to look quite so hard for it now.

DO YOU INTEND TO FILE A CLAIM

Well, since I didn't have any insurance at that time, I doubt I'll be filing, considering the good it would do. Remember - y'all asked me when filling out your reports if I was insured.

I had four guns with saved serial numbers and two without, so this only concerned the four they had definitive data saved.

Well, now, this makes me feel all warm and runny about the future prospects of any ongoing investigations. I'm just all positive and glowing about how I'm gonna be getting them back. This sort of thing really illustrates how LEOs are different and better than the rest of us.

We're sorry to bother you, Mr. Jeffro, but we have to ask you some questions about the guns that were stolen from you earlier. You see, we have to make sure our database is kept up properly, and purged of confusing or out of date information. Would you please fill out these forms and get them to us as soon as you can? Rest assured, we're doing everything we can to find the bastards who stole your firearms, bring them to justice, and get them back for you.

Nope, can't do it that way, after all they're the ones with the badges and guns.

GET OFF YOUR FAT ASS AND GET INTO TOWN IF YOU KNOW WHAT'S GOOD FOR YOU, TRUCKER BOY, OR WE WON'T EVEN PRETEND TO BOTHER ABOUT YOUR STUPID GUNS ANYMORE. THE DATABASE MAINTENANCE IS FAR MORE IMPORTANT TO US THAN ANY MINOR PROBLEMS YOU MIGHT HAVE WITH A BURGLARY, SO OUR PRIORITY WILL BE GETTING THE INFORMATION FROM YOUR DUMB ASS IN WRITING ASAP. NO, WE CAN'T CALL YOU EITHER, WE DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THAT SHIT.

Yannow, I do get it. I understand that the ol' database has to be pruned of incorrect data if at all possible. I don't get what difference it makes if the gun was insured and if I got a settlement. The gun is still stolen. I know the gun would go to the insurance company if it were recovered, but how does that make any difference now? Plus, it looks like I'll be doing this once a year or more often, whenever they feel like it.

Protect and Serve? SHADDUP, FAT BOY.