Sunday, August 19, 2012

Still Sad


There is not a day that goes by that I don't get pretty damn misty about Rooster. I can let go of the other things - as I've said before, it was just stuff. Certainly, it's stuff I miss, but not enough to get emotional about. Rooster? Another matter entirely. Most of the time, I cannot bring him up as a subject in conversation, or I will start bawling. The other day, a coworker I had not seen in a while asked me about him, and that set me off.

Dammit.

I managed my parents' deaths by realizing their days were done, and frankly, they needed to move on. Same with a lot of other relatives. I've had some acquaintances taken too soon, as have we all, but they didn't have this effect on me.

I'm probably failing in my duty as a Christian by not attending church very often. I do pray every day. This event has tested my faith in a big way, though. I realize a cat is not much in the larger scheme of things, and I'm not even a blip on the main radar screen. I tell you that when I stand large before The Lord, I will be asking him about this even if it means I go straight to hell. I need to know what possible reason He saw fit to destroy an innocent life.

And I know there are millions of innocent lives destroyed every day under His watch. Compared to that, a cat is pretty mild. It is still a crime in my eyes anyways - just a matter of degree. I also understand the concept of free will, but I fail to see how my free will had anything to do with a cat burning in a fire. He lived in the abode with me - where else would he be? My free will had him shut in the house to keep him from becoming coyote chow. He is the one who brought the drought, high temperatures, high winds and setting up the conditions where a fire would be more likely. Not me and my free will.

How could I possibly have prepared for this eventuality? What if an old Russian satellite fell from the sky and wiped the place out? What if the earth opened up and swallowed the entire farm? I never worried about that sort of thing, and still don't.

Because it's out of my control. Like this was. Still does not matter.

If I should manage to not piss off the Lord too much and end up in heaven, my little buddy had better be there, or we're gonna have words over that, too.

I am not ready to take on another cat, for sure.

7 comments:

threecollie said...

Sorry Jeff, and it isn't whining to wonder.

creakypavillion said...

I don't believe in deities, so you have an idea how I'd explain this injustice (and injustice it is, in human eyes, within our ethic system). But it's not an explanation you want or accept.
SO I'll simply say - I know how it burns you inside, and I understand.

lotta joy said...

When we put my 17 year old furboy to sleep, I turned on my husband because it was his idea. I turned on the vet because he said "You'll be SO relieved." I should have grabbed my boy and, at least, found a compassionate vet at the very least.

AFTER: I said "I'm just a human, and yet I'd do all in MY power to keep these furchildren alive"

It then occurred to me what I was saying, and I delved deeper into what REAL love feels like. The kind the 'father' is said to have.

Where's the proof of THAT?

But there's plenty of proof that I loved my furchild enough to move a wall of bricks to save him.

Why does it hurt MORE to lose a furchild than a human relative?

The furchild ONLY gives love...NEVER gives grief and pain like humans do.

When you lose a furchild, you are losing PURE, constant, LOVE at its finest.

Serenity said...

Jeff...there are no words to console you.

Just remember, the Lord brought Rooster to you.

So much we don't understand...like the animals that are so severely abused...boy does that test my faith! It's not the same as one who was so close to you, I know. But I understand the questions and anger.

Hopefully, one day, the answer will come to you.

Just always remember, even when you're upset, Rooster was brought to you by the same that took him away.

There is a lesson in there...I sure don't know what it is...but I'm hoping one day you will find your answers.

I'm very sorry for your loss, Jeff. You gave Rooster a great life. He didn't end up a statistic in the pound. You gave him a great life.

lisa said...

Takes time for memories of our best friends to ease up a little so that we may find another best friend to give our affections too! The time will come when you won't be able to resist a a face.

Bob said...

I wish I knew of something to say that would help restore your faith.

Laura said...

I firmly believe you will one day meet and be with the light that is Rooster. I know how cornball, hippie that sounds, but I don't believe like most, that there is a God that controls or monitors anything here.

In the meantime, I hope you find comfort in his memory soon, instead of sadness.