My Crowning Achievement

Warning - this post is more than likely a poster child for Too Much Information. You have been warned. Don't blame me if you are grossed out.

Now that I've really got your attention - some background info is in order. I've got three dental crowns - two upper front incisors and a molar. One of the incisors and the molar don't stay attached, so I keep some gel type super glue on hand, and just glue them back in. The ol' Dremel cleans out the old glue quite well. While the super glue isn't as long lived as the dental variety, it does save me a ton of money. No dental insurance - unless it's a referral procedure or an emergency.

The incisors are my second set. The first were knocked out during intubation when I was knocked out for a kidney stone zapping. I woke up and felt they were gone, and the attendants had no clue. Apparently I'd put up quite a struggle. A quick xray found them in my stomach.

Their solution? They gave me some rubber gloves, a stack of "stool catchers" that fit over the toilet, and some large tongue depressors to dig through - yep, you guessed it - my stools. Until I found the crowns.

Now, if you're fresh off diaper detail, this may not seem like much of a chore. I, however, was not. It was a chore. I found only one, and my dentist wanted to put in some different ones anyways. His crack insurance staff hounded my company until they went after the hospital for the bill. They knocked 'em out, they should pay. They did.

Okay, fast forward to yesterday afternoon. The incisor crown was a bit loose, but it pretty well has to let go on it's own. I was feeling kinda short blood sugar wise, so I snacked on some pork rinds (yeah, but they're low carb, so there). All of a sudden, I discovered the cap was missing.

Well, great. Okay, what to do. If I could force myself to hurl, what was lost could be found. I looked on the floor just to make sure. Nope, no crown. Mkay, for a thousand bucks, I'll fish through my barf.

Apparently, I'll never be a splurge and purge dieter. I could not do it, no matter how hard I tried. Gag reflex? Not so much. A quick Google search told me I needed some syrup of ipecac. Niiiice - I'm out in the boonies and wouldn't you know it, I'm fresh out of ipecac. Other alternatives? Warm water with table salt. Still have some from years ago - I don't salt my food any more. So, I drank a very salty glass of water.

Still no success. All I did was make myself severely thirsty and bring up my blood pressure. Red faced from the sodium and the exertions, I finally just resorted to drinking about a gallon of iced tea. I was so disgusted, I decided to hell with saving and digging through the excretions from the other end. Screw it, I'd pay the thousand or so bucks to get a new crown.

All that salt didn't help with sweet dreams so much, either. I woke up early and in a foul mood - but the sodium after effects had passed. Other than retaining most of that water - but that's what the diuretics are for, I guess. I like to make Spanish stye omelets for breakfast, so that's just what I did. After I was done, I happened to see something out of the corner of my eye.

Yep, you guessed it. The wayward crown was on the floor several feet from the original search area. Lucky the cat didn't decide to bat it around.

So thank you, God, for not having me sift through disgusting body fluids for a crown that wasn't gonna be there.