Apology

The finish of the friendship was earlier this week. I read a dear friend's (private) blog and saw something that immediately angered me. I saw that some information had been withheld from me, and it seemed to me that I was to be thrown under the bus, as it were.

So, I cut the passage that proved it to me, and said something snarky, and sent it on. I figured I'd never hear from this person again - since I was being dropped, further communication wouldn't be forthcoming. I talked about it to another friend, and they agreed. The clincher was when I got to my motel room that night and checked my email there was no reply. I was also kicked off the private site. Further proof that I was correct.

So, I was going to have the last word. From my elevated point of moral superiority, I called hypocrisy, and complained about the lack of communication. I kept it fairly short, considering what I wanted to say. Over the years, I've become jaded about these things, and if someone does me wrong, they hear about it one way or another. I've gone quietly into the night more than I care to.

So, I sent it on. I got caught up with some of the blogs I read, and was pretty well shot. I then noticed my spam folder had a fairly high number in, so I looked it over.

Two messages from my former friend. The first, which was the second one sent, asked me to not send any more emails or call again. This person had enough people in their life that judged too harshly without knowing them.

Oh great.

The second email - the first one sent, explained what had happened in a completely logical way. Plus, my ex friend had been very ill.

Ohhh, man, did I ever screw up.

Number one - the first email was a pretty deadly salvo, but the second was a barrage after my ex friend had requested no more contact.

Two - I was totally wrong. I was quick to judge without adequate information. I based my actions on unsubstantiated feelings. I'd always been right in the past, but not with the caliber of person my friend is.

Three - the moral superiority I thought I had? Not so much. I harped on about hypocrisy, when I am the hypocrite. I've always complained that I've suffered from the suffering other people have experienced being passed on to me. The fact that they had been treated like shit made them believe they could do the same to me without any reason other than I was there and handy. Passing the hate and discontent on, for whatever reason. I did exactly what I've bitched about and what pisses me off.

I'm sure there are other areas that I have not figured out, but these will do for now. I'm not the laid back jolly fellow I've always pictured myself as. Obviously, I can be a cruel asshole without adequate provocation.

So, I am so very sorry. I wish I could take it all back, but there is no way.

The Moving Finger writes; and, having writ,
Moves on: nor all thy Piety nor Wit
Shall lure it back to cancel half a Line,
Nor all thy Tears wash out a Word of it.

No amount of trying to convey the depth of my sorrow will ever work - I am so sorry, I used italics - yeah, like that will help.

Nor will the quantity of words work - the child I was years ago, scrawling "I will not talk in class" several hundred times - no, that approach will not work either. The words we use to hurt each other are far stronger than the words of reconciliation.

I cannot buy my way out of this by sending flowers, or a card, or a letter, or a heartfelt email. The request that I not contact them anymore was one that I will strictly honor, even though I blew it once already. I'll not do that again. This is the only logical avenue I have left. I have caused pain. Just letting it slide and not saying anything at all is not in my nature. I have to take responsibility for my actions, even if they are detestable.

Is this posting going to make me feel better? Not really. My only hope is that my friend reads this and realizes I know what an ass I have been. Maybe that will ease what I've done. Do I think I will be forgiven and all will be sunshine and lollipops? Not hardly.

If this happened to me I wouldn't be too wild about forgiveness. What was originally said was bad enough, but the second email I sent - well, reading about facets of my personality that I was unaware of would not endear me to the person who sent that, for sure.

Plus, I'm obviously big on reading indicators of personalities and how they will act in the future. Well, geez, here is obvious proof I flake out and act badly. Yup, a future with me as a pal has been proven beyond a doubt to be rocky. So, even if my ex friend reads this, I don't expect anything.

So, my friend, I think of the flowers you sent me while I was hospitalized. When someone asked me who sent them, I was proud to say it was you. When I think of the Christmas present I sent you - late as it was, I hoped no one had given you anything like it. I was so tickled that you liked it. I wanted to make you happy, if only for a short time. Now, I've screwed that up.

Now, some of my regular readers will probably know who this is. This person values their privacy. I may even be violating that privacy by even posting this. So, any guesses or snarky comments will be deleted. I may delete this post, particularly if my friend wants it that way, and I find they are offended by it. I'll kill comments, or whatever is necessary. I trust, though, that everyone has the good taste not to do such a thing - I'm sure this is all unnecessary. But, I'm just saying - I'm laying out the ground rules here. I've hurt this person enough.