(JNS - JeffroNewsService)Washington DC
Janet Schmedly Wiesbeut, Deputy Director of Non Commercial Violators, EPA announced today that pollen is now considered a hazardous pollutant. Excessive levels will result in fines being levied against the responsible party or parties.
"Too many Americans have suffered needlessly with the wanton spreading of pollen during the Spring season. Untold millions in lost productivity and an entire allergy industry that costs consumers time and money has driven us to this landmark decision. While pollen is a necessary component for plant life, levels hundreds of times above the extremely high mark of 120 is just too much for people to bear. This spring has found levels so high that outside objects have been coated enough to appear green.""Can you believe it?" exclaimed Luke Duke of Hazzard County GA. "I just washed the General Lee and it's friggin' green. It oughta be orange. It's just unreal."
Ms. Wiesbeut also announced that the expected revenue from fines and the money saved by lowering pollen levels - which will result in increased productivity - will make this program a moneymaker for the general fund. "We anticipate fines in the millions until Mother Nature AKA Gaia starts controlling the pollen levels."
Robert Gibbs, White House Press Secretary, announced
"This is just the sort of Hope and Change we were all looking for when the nation elected our President Barack Obama. Pollen has been a problem we aren't going to allow anymore. It's also a problem that the Bush Administration ignored and we inherited, but we will reduce this form of pollution rather than allow business as usual. This program will result in some serious income from fines that we will apply to other areas, creating a savings dividend."Former Vice President Dick Cheney, when reached for comment, said: "These people have lost their *bleep*ing minds. Besides, you don't fool with Mother Nature."
As a counter point, current Vice President Joe Biden rebutted Cheney:
"This sort of bad language and backwards thinking is what we've come to expect from the FORMER Vice President. This is just the sort of thing that cost theBush/Cheney ticket the 2008 election."When reminded that Bush was unable to run and the ticket was actually McCain/Palin Biden responded:
"Yeah, whatever."It is rumored that the Republican response will include a claim that they were considering punitive measures against Mother Nature, but were not considering wholesale changes in the EPA's dangerous pollutants list.