It's A Conspiracy, I Tell Ya!

I've mentioned how my job is to haul tanks manufactured by my company. They are made from a variety of steels and fiberglass. These tanks are often thirty or thirty five feet tall. This means they have to be hauled laying on their sides. They are also designed to hold their loads while standing vertical. Capacities are in the twenty to thirty thousand gallon range. A tanker semi might be able to haul six thousand gallons max. Our tanks may have some water left over from a pressure test we use as quality control. After the hoses and screw in fittings are removed, plastic plugs are placed in the holes to protect the threads. Any kind of pressure will blow them out. It would be impossible to fill a tank on it's side because the plugs would blow out and the tank would self destruct.

Okay, so we're gonna jump in the wayback machine to a couple of years ago. Five of us - two company drivers and three "outside" drivers hauled some fiberglass tanks to Michigan in Berrien county. We have (when we are busy....) several owner operators whose trucks deliver our tanks pulling our trailers. These three were owned and one driven by one of my good friends who comments here as tb. In states where we don't purchase annual oversize permits, we have to get trip permits. Each state is different. Some states, including Michigan, say on their permits that they are only valid on interstate and state highways. County roads may require additional permits.

So, we arrived at the farmer's (who purchased the tanks) place. We found out that two loads were to offload there, and the other three were to go to another of their locations. In a different county. We could offload the tanks there, and force the farmer to hire someone to haul the tanks over, or we could be nice guys and try to "outlaw" haul the tanks over for him. He had not informed our salesmen or dispatcher that there were actually two locations. Of course, in his defense, our people should have asked - this sort of thing isn't that uncommon, and farmers aren't usually well versed in the minutiae of oversize load hauling.

After the crane set the tanks from two of tb's trucks - their drivers headed for the house, and the rest of us convoyed behind the crane to go to the different location. When we went through Berrien Springs, we picked up some sort of law enforcement official. He got around the other trucks and turned on his lights behind me. I was in the lead behind the crane.

He was the weights and measures county officer. He asked to see my county permit. I told him: "You're not gonna be happy with me because I don't have one." He replied: "I know." Turned out he issues those permits, and was more than happy to issue us permits on the spot, with the appropriate fines.

The road we were on was narrow, and there was not much of a shoulder. So, our little procession had half the road blocked. We could see there was a wider and safer spot about a hundred yards further down the road. We asked if we could move to that spot for safety. We were told that until we got the appropriate paperwork, we weren't to budge an inch. Apparently he had some wily oversize loads escape him in the past after letting them drive a short distance. Or something.

So, as it was summer, and hot, and humid, we left our trucks running. With our air conditioners on. I'm sure you've seen puddles of water under a vehicle left idling with the A/C on - the condensation has to go somewhere. It wasn't long before a streak of water was flowing downhill on the pavement from under each cab.

Meanwhile, as one of us was getting written up, the others were directing traffic around our trucks. The nice law enforcement official asked us to do so. Instead of letting us pull down the road to a safer spot. That would have been a seriously violation of statutory regulations, or something. Plus, extra drama was introduced when he discovered my physical card had expired. I, with my usual laser like attention to details, had forgotten to even look at the damn thing for some time. I thought it had a couple months before it expired. But, I was wrong. Not the first time.

So, not only were our wallets going to be lighter (cash only), I was forbidden to drive my truck until I had the necessary paperwork. Normally, as has been my experience in the past, law enforcement officials rarely even look at the card, and if it's expired, tell you to getcher butt to the doctor and get it fixed. Maybe with a fine, most often just a warning. But not this time. Not for a bunch of hardened criminals like us.

About this time one of the cars I was directing by the three ring circus stopped and the woman driving rolled down her window.

Are we going to have to evacuate the neighborhood?

What?

Are we going to have to evacuate the neighborhood? My neighbor called me and said we were going to have to evacuate.

Huh?

She said your trucks are leaking hazardous wastes, and that is why you are pulled over. I just wanna know if it's true, I've got to get my dog blah blah blah blah....

Cue The Twilight Zone music...

Uh, no ma'am. We are hauling empty fiberglass tanks. They are not designed to haul liquids laying on their sides. We are getting fined for not having the proper permits.

But I can see you are all leaking something. What is going on here?

Ma'am, that is condensation from our air conditioners. Look at where it's dripping from the cab right now. That is just water. These tanks are not designed to haul liquids laying on their sides - we are just transporting empty tanks. We are not even placarded for hazardous materials.

Ohhhh, okay...., but my friend says you are hauling hazardous materials, and we're supposed to evacuate. It's supposed to be on the news just any time now.

Well, ma'am, I don't know what to tell you. These trailers would collapse from the weight if the tanks were full, if the tanks hadn't broken apart from the stress already. We aren't leaking anything from the tanks. The water is from our cab's A/C.

She thanked me (in a somewhat shaky voice) and drove to where our friendly county revenue collector LEO was busy writing tickets and county permits. I could see her asking him about evacuation. He dismissed her with some words and an irritated wave of his hand. Her electric window slowly rose as she motored off into her paranoid little world.

That was just the thing I needed to add to my rich and colorful experience. Frosting on the cake. Gilding the lily. The cherry on top. Meanwhile, our farmer, who had been following, had been on his phone continuously. He was not happy. He, his son and our dispatcher had been working on getting permits for the next county over, with little success. Since the farmer had a fax machine, we could get the permits faxed to us that way. However, the other county officials might be able to issue permits in a day or three.

Since Officer Friendly wouldn't let me drive my truck (but I could run to a local doctor and get a quick physical, and he knew just the doctor to see), we asked if someone else could drive my truck to the next site. Well, if that driver was legal, he supposed so. But, he reiterated, we needed county permits for the other county. We figured he would call over there and warn them we were coming, but we decided to run that risk. tb drove my truck over, I used the farmer's pickup to take tb back to his truck, he drove his truck over, and we all got unloaded.

I'm not gonna say how my truck got home. I'm not too sure of the statute of limitations.